Can I be honest? Many Christian boys seem to think their p*nis (modified spelling so as not to be flagged by search engines) is a bad thing. It is a body part that causes shame and embarrassment and is taboo to speak about in front of one’s parents. All the while he is subjected to a constant source of crudities, jokes, jeers, etc. among his peers.
He gets advice about his body from peers, the media and school, but almost total silence from parents and the church. He is generally only told to “stay pure for marriage” but the thought that his p*nis could be very purposeful in God’s design and even part of God’s earthly example to help mankind understand a very spiritual matter is never discussed.
Boys who “hear” this parental and church silence wonder if their p*nis is a mistake. He might imagine something like this: God is creating the world when he gets to the creation of man. He likes what he created. Eyes, ears, nose, taste, touch, walking, breathing, an ability to like and love things etc. “Yeah, this is good” God thinks. “But oh, wait” the boy can hear God say, “Shoot, I forgot to figure out how to have man and woman make babies. Now what? Well, maybe I will give males a p*nis, but that may cause loads of problems. It is the best I can possibly think of last minute, so I will have to go with it. Poor males, they will struggle with that p*nis for their whole lives, but oh well. Maybe I will make them wear clothes and tell them to hide it for their entire lives and that will fix my mistake.”
On the opposite side of the boy who thinks his p*nis is a mistake is the boy who is completely obnoxious about it. Flaunting it at any chance, assuming if God created it, he should be able to have as much fun with it as possible.
Both of these views are far from the truth.
Actually, the male p*nis is center stage in God’s earthly glimpse of “knowing” Him. I know such a concept is a shock to many, but it is absolutely true! Yet a boy ends up being ashamed and confused about his p*nis. I think it is time we do a better job of explaining to him the unique purpose of his p*nis and why God created men and women and how special both genders are, including their sexual organs.
A boy needs to know that he is fearfully and wonderfully created. Including his p*nis. His p*nis has a very unique and special purpose. Yes, it will help him eliminate liquid waste from his body, but that is not its highest purpose. Yes, it will be important in procreation, but while making babies is a command, it is not its highest purpose. (I have no verse that says what its highest purpose is, I am concluding this by weighing each of the purposes and making some assumptions, so those of you who are theologians, go for the ride with me here. You can correct me in the comments.)
Teaching a boy what the highest purpose of his p*nis really is will help him understand that the “rules” and expectations concerning his p*nis are actually a blessing, designed to help him experience fully the wonderful and real purpose of his p*nis.
The main purpose is not purity, though that is a component and is important. It is not to procreate or urinate. The main purpose is not to provide us with a battle that we will have to depend on God to win, though that is also part of this journey. Far too many Christians are missing the ultimate purpose.
What we should teach our boys:
From early on we should help the young boy not to focus too much on his p*nis. Not because we want him to be ashamed, but because it really does have a higher purpose and should be recognized as being created to be a gift and serve this higher purpose once he is married. We should let little boys know that his p*nis is special and should not be his personal play toy. This gift is for him and his future wife so he should be careful and save playing with his p*nis for then. But also don’t condemn him if he does sooth himself through stimulation of his p*nis, just redirect him. Recognize that when children are small they need our help to teach, protect and preserve them for the higher purposes that God has created them for. So distract him from masturbating. Be there to meet his emotional needs. Help him learn to deal with stress in more appropriate ways. But, ultimately, don’t get too worried about these early years as they really are not too likely to destroy the purpose for your son’s p*nis. We want to use those early years to help set the stage for his understanding and revelation of what his p*nis is for.
We also need to teach our boy that his p*nis is special and to help him understand that others do not have the right to touch it. Boys should be taught that if someone does touch him inappropriately that this is a wrong by the person doing the touching, not your son. Let your son know that this is so important in our society we have made special rules or laws to stop adults from hurting children and protect his body and his p*nis. People are allowed to touch his shoulder, or pat him on the head, but they may not touch his p*nis. Of course, help him understand that on rare occasions Parents or Doctors or caretakers may need to touch him to help medically or to clean him or for some other good reason, but he should always let you know when that happens, even if it was for a good reason.
One important note, both parents and boys need to understand that if someone touches a boy inappropriately we must always properly report and move to protect the child. That being said, in God’s plan a person will not ruin God’s ultimate purpose for your son’s p*nis. (This is not to minimize the hurt this may cause, but to reassure that actually, nothing anyone does can ruin God’s ultimate purpose. God can always heal and restore and the ultimate purpose is not to “save oneself” to have the first sex with a wife, or to have the first person to sexually touch or arouse your son be his wife. Instead, read on to see what the ultimate purpose is and why I say no one can destroy God’s purpose.)
Middle Elementary Boys
Let your son know that as he grows older it is more and more important that he not be walking around exposing his p*nis to others. But also help him understand that there will be some times when boys are together and brief exposure may naturally happen such as getting changed in a locker room or at summer camp when everyone changes and that these times are not a problem. But teach him we don’t expose ourselves on purpose because his p*nis has a special purpose. While we emphasise not to expose ourselves let him know that if someone depants him or in some other way exposes him, that this action is wrong on the part of the person exposing him and may be embarrassing, but it does not destroy God’s special purpose for his p*nis. And to always let you know if that happens. Even if it happened just among boys.
When he turns 9 or 10 you will want to begin talking to him about maturation and how his body and his p*nis will begin to change. (Many boys p*nis’ double between 8 and 10 or 11, then double again often at full grown size well before his height will be full adult size.) Besides beginning to help him understand sex, making babies, God’s purpose to be a one woman man, be open and honest about masturbation.
Older Elementary and Middle School Boys
I am often surprised how confused Christians are when it comes to masturbation. On one hand we have the “this has to be sin, because sex in only for marriage and you cannot masturbate without lusting in your mind” with the other side saying “leave the boys alone and let them relieve themselves because that is how God designed them.”
I am not on either of these sides.
Because of the highest purpose of a boy’s p*nis, he will never be fulfilled masturbating. He simply cannot. I have read studies that showed (to the surprise of those conducting the study) that non-religious boys report as much shame about masturbation as do religious boys. So why? We know from many studies that 100% of all able bodied boys will masturbate at some point in their lives, most starting between 10 and 12 continuing up until marriage. And most report feeling shame. Is it because this is a sin and God causes this natural shame to condemn all boys? If that is so, then 100% of all boys are condemned. So what is going on?
I honestly believe that God has intended there to be a tension over masturbation. I see this a little bit like pain. Pain is not in and of itself bad, but it is a warning of something bad if you don’t heed the pain. Along with enabling boys to procreate, the male hormone also produces a great desire to procreate! God is preparing a boy to be a husband and ultimately to fulfill the greatest purpose for his p*nis. But masturbation is not that purpose. So while boys ache within and will eventually “give in” and masturbate, this tension helps them not be satisfied with masturbation alone. Like any “non-best” in God’s order of things, if a boy wholesale disregards this shame and tension given as a warning, then he risks falling further into more and more dangerous territory.
Unfortunately, today’s society finds itself deep into dangerous and outright sinful territory. The problems are premarital sex, boys expecting sex and forcing themselves on their dates, pornography and more. So please, let your son know that his body was built for sex which will cause a desire to masturbate. While the act of masturbation in and of itself is not a sin, left unchecked it can lead to sin. And clearly lust is a sin. Yet a desire for a wife and to be able to make love to a wife is not a sin. Tell him he will battle with this tension and at times he will find himself masturbating. Help him understand that he should not beat himself up for masturbating, but he should also not feel fine doing it either. Your son is aware of this tension so talk about it. Let him know in his life he should not masturbate anytime he wants to. This will be a struggle, but that is OK. He should masturbate as infrequently as possible. Help him to keep focus on what really matters. When he finds a wife, he will find a good thing and will be able to fulfill the ultimate purpose for his p*nis, but truthfully, he still will not be able to have sex anytime he wants. He will still need to “win over” his wife and love and cherish her. Boys who do not control their masturbation have unreal expectations on their wife. So putting off masturbation, even if temporarily is a good thing.
That being said, fathers please teach your sons some important rules for masturbation. For some Dad’s the idea of “rules” is a horrifying thought, but trust me the horror comes when our boys don’t know better. So teach these rules:
- Always masturbate alone, and somewhere in private – ALWAYS! Other boys will be proud of their ability, but refrain from joining in when they invite you to do so. Group masturbation is a gateway to many abuses, including but not limited to group experimentation, group rape and more. Just stay away.
- Never take pictures of yourself naked or while masturbating. Nothing good can come of such a picture. NOTHING! Ask your son to let you know if anyone asks for a picture. (And this may be a good time to talk to him about anyone ever taking a picture of him undressed. This could be in the gym locker, or at camp or wherever. Ask him to let you know immediately if it this happens!)
- Do not be rough when masturbating. This includes rubbing hard with your hand or an object and do not masturbate on your stomach. Sex with a woman is actually gentle on your p*nis, rubbing gently, where your pleasure nerve receptors are on your p*nis. Regularly being too rough hinders men from reaching climax when having vaginal sex. (I read one report that stated 40% of men who masturbated on their stomachs have trouble reaching climax with a women.)
So teach your sons there is an ultimate purpose for his p*nis, and it is not masturbation. While masturbation will happen in the gap between physical maturation and marriage, boys need to be careful not to cast aside the natural tension and shame which will cause them to feel pressure not to masturbate, but also not to wallow in guilt and defeat when they do masturbate. Keep God’s ultimate purpose in mind. Ask your son to come to you if he is really struggling either with urges he cannot control or with deep guilt. If need be, find a good Christian counselor to work with.
Before we leave the topic of masturbation we need to talk about pornography. This is a terrible blight on our nation and it is destroying God’s ultimate purpose for a boy’s p*nis. Nearly all pornography viewing ends in lustful masturbation, not to mention God tells us we should not even speak about what sinful things are done in secret and viewing women (or men for that matter) as simply objects is not only a distortion of God’s purpose and truth but is destructive. No pornography has anything to do with what God intended. This is not an article about pornography so I will not elaborate, but please:
Help your son see that pornography destroys God’s ideal and:
- Don’t be naive to think that a boy can handle the temptation by himself. Proverbs makes clear a young man should not even walk down the street where the harlot is standing outside. But some parents think all they have to do is warn their son and then it is OK to send him down the very street where all kinds of harlots dwell (and yes, I am talking about allowing your son unfettered access to internet connected devices.) PLEASE get a clue and protect your son. Seek out materials if you need help with how to protect him. (You can start at CyberSafetySeminar.com)
- Because of our fallen world be ready to deal with exposure to pornography. Talk with and prepare your son and let him know that sooner or later he will be exposed. Teach him to come to you when it happens so you can talk about it with him. If he does, don’t overreact. Find out when and where it happened. Be open about how it may have upset him, but at the same time acknowledge that it most likely made him very curious. Tell him curiosity is normal. Help your son learn how to deal with what will be a steady flow of temptations. Satan will want to use his natural curiosity to draw him in so work on a plan.
- If your son is having trouble read these articles: http://colossians2.com/1287/6-attitudes-that-guarantee-your-son-will-struggle-with-pornography/, and http://colossians2.com/1505/are-you-preparing-your-son/
Help your son realize that the ultimate purpose for his p*nis will come at marriage. That sex outside of marriage is sinful. Work together on how to avoid the temptations that will come and are typical in causing boys to stumble, including aggressive women, alcohol use, being alone with girls, etc.
So what is the ultimate purpose of a boy’s p*nis? Why does it take center stage in God’s example of “knowing Him?”
The purpose of a boy’s p*nis and the act of sexual union is to make a husband and his wife one. A miracle takes place during sexual intercourse. When a man inserts his p*nis into a women and experiences an orgasim, amazing hormonal reactions cause the brain to look favorably upon the one he is having sex with. Sexual intercourse also causes this for the women. During sexual intercourse between a husband and wife who love each other there is a physical, emotional and spiritual oneness. It is the reason a man leaves his mother and father. To become one with his wife.
This is a small earthly picture of how Christ will be united with his bride, the Church. And, the euphoria and closeness of sex is the closest we can get to understanding what it will be like in heaven, united with our heavenly father. The very act of marriage and the oneness experienced within sexual union is a beautiful picture of our future relationship in being together with Christ.
From being circumcised on the 8th day as a sign of being set aside, to waiting until marriage, to becoming one, all are part of a beautiful picture to help us understand our relationship with Christ.
As the Old Testament says we will “know Him.” This is the same “know” for when a man unites and “knows” his wife in the act of sex. No, we won’t have sex with God, but we will know and understand him intimately. An intimacy we can get a small glimpse of today, thanks to marriage and the oneness that the sexual union offers. And I believe this is the highest purpose for a boy’s p*nis. Yes, a man will be blessed by his marriage and marriage will bring with it many opportunities for a man to be a priest, provider, defender, lover, father and more. And for sure a man will enjoy sex with his wife. But a very high purpose for the p*nis is to bless man with an understanding of the potential relationship between him and God. This is a beautiful picture.
Now, that is a very important purpose for both the male and female bodies and specifically the sex organs.
No wonder so many of Satan’s attacks are aimed at destroying this real life example given to us to help us understand our potential oneness with God. Our marriage and sexual union should be a constant reminder of something even better when we are privileged to be united with Christ.
How sad that parents and the church are not teaching the boy to understand his p*nis and its place in his life. Parents who joke with their son about how “that thing” will get you into trouble, and “put that nasty thing away” etc. are doing their son a great disservice. How much less confused boys would be if they understood how important their p*nis is and why there is such a fight to destroy physical discretion, to excuse and even delight in masturbation, to attack God’s purpose for purity and God’s design for sex which is to be between a married man and woman.
Every boy should know, his p*nis is not a mistake or a curse, rather it is part of God’s wonderful design to help him to become one with his wife and to help him grow deeper in his understanding of his relationship to Christ. And all those rules his parents teach about his p*nis, they really are for his benefit. So come on parents, let’s step up and teach our boys the truth!
If you came to read this because you have a boy, check out two Colossians 2 websites specifically for boys:
http://allboy.life – helping preserve traditional boyhood
http://boysread.club – helping strengthen reading among boys
Want to contact Mark Strohm as a possible speaker for your Christian audience? Click here: http://colossians2.com/welcome/
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