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Non Punitive Parenting?
By mstrohm | September 8, 2007
I have noticed a rise in websites and discussion groups where it appears young parents are proclaiming they have come up with a superior way of raising their children. The difference between this group and a very similar group from the 60’s – this group is using a few Scriptures and the “grace” theology as the justification for their “superior” parenting style. What is their superior parenting? Something called Non-Punitive Parenting. No scolding, no punishments and definitely no spanking. From what I can gather these parenting techniques are taken from a “grace theology” though each person who contributes to these sites has their own twist.
As with many partial truths, this tends to be tricky to refute since part of what is being said is true. The problem with pointing out concerns with a partial truth argument is that those holding this view will acuse you of rejecting truth. Any show of concern brings an accusation of rejecting all of the argument – in this case rejecting the need to display “grace” in parenting. Obviously all of us need to show our children God’s grace!
In parenting seminars I have listed 4 steps to setting and keeping Loving Limits in a child’s life:
1. Teach
2. Expose both the correct and incorrect behavior
3. After exposing when wrong behavior occurs, correct and warn of coming punishment
4. When wrong behavior happens again punish and then restore with love
It is true that there are some “passive” children who rarely need the punishment step but, many children simply NEED the boundaries and will not respect parents or teachers who do not set and keep those boundaries. In an effort to remove any type of punitive actions (either punishments set by parents or natural consequences) one must remove most of the limits or boundaries. I have read about “grace filled” households allowing children to wear their dirty shoes in the house or not worrying about table manners.
How do we expect our children to be disciplined enough to enter school or the work world let alone have the discipline to treat others with respect? How can our children play sports and not accept the realities of life experiences that are “punitive” or negative?
This belief denies the reality of our sin nature. James 1:14,15
states, “But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death.”
If we love our children we will set limits to help them avoid the enticement of sin. Love asks the young man to not even pass by the house where the prostitute lives (Proverbs 5:8). Is it appropriate to issue punitive actions if your child is caught looking at pornography on the internet? Love would compel me to take the computer away for a season. Punitive – yes!
OK, it is true that our training alone cannot bring a child to salvation. Yet, God clearly states that the “law” is the schoolmaster. Because grace ultimately gets us to heaven and justifies us before a loving God does not mean that we can abandon discipline. Certainly God has not abandoned disciplining those He loves (Proverbs 3:12, Hebrews 12:6). Paul asks “shall we continue in sin that grace abounds? God forbid!” (Romans 6:1,14)
I agree that there are parents out there who are punitive because they lack sacrificial love. But because there are parents who slap their child who laugh too loud does not mean that we need to allow our children to run through our house with muddy shoes.
It is true that parenting will take loads and loads of grace! But this grace will not require an absence of discipline. Real love will require parents to discipline children.
May God’s grace and peace be with you,
Mark and Ellen Strohm
Topics: From Ellen, From Mark, Parenting | 8 Comments »
October 27th, 2007 at 10:10 pm
I am one of the parents of whom you are speaking about that practices non-punitive parenting. Just because I don’t “punish” my child for mis-behaving does NOT mean I don’t give him boundaries. We are not permissive in our house by any means. We follow a kind AND firm approach to our child. Yes, you can do both. Punitive parenting may work – as it’s based on fear. However, gentle parenting, or grace based parenting works on the heart of the child.
October 28th, 2007 at 6:56 am
Kristy,
You are simply wrong about all punishmet or as it is called by you “punitive parenting” being based on fear. I think you can talk to my 4 children and ask them if they grew up fearful. I doubt it!
Another huge misconception is that punishment is the only tool used. It is the last tool used. Nor should the majority of parents who use a punishment be compared to abusive parents.
Gentleness is not excluded when punishment is used. Unless we say that God is not Gentle when He punishes us! And Scripture specifically states that He does – as the father who loves his child also punishes.
Interesting that you say you set limits, but somehow they are never punative? Sounds like a play on words.
February 16th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
God doesn’t punish His children. He allows us to experience the natural consequences of our actions. Adults, yes, scripture shows instances where God allowed certain consequences to happen. But no where in scripture does God punish young children.
February 16th, 2008 at 8:33 pm
oh & also, do you really think I can’t set boundaries without being punishment driven? Wow.
February 17th, 2008 at 8:24 am
Kristi,
).
God clearly instructs parents to discipline their children, and some of the descriptions (use of a rod) are clearly “punitive” as defined by this movement. Children do have the sin nature on them – as Proverbs says “even a child is known by his actions” (Proverbs 20:11
As far as your second comment – I did not say you could not “set” boundaries. It is keeping boundaries that I am concerned about. Eventually a strong willed, bent on doing wrong child will not be held to certain boundaries if only “love” is used. Sooner or later you will have to allow your boundaries to be broken or you will have to withold something or punish in some way. (Please note that I put “love” in quotes, because the Bible states that a father does discipline the son he LOVES. Therefore, discipline is an action of love. I was using the definition of “love” I have found in the Non-Punitive forums.)
When I was a young adult many of my Christian friends were espousing the prosperity doctrine. They had decided that their parents were wrong to live middle class lives. All one had to do was command God in a certain way and He would pour out prosperity on them! The movement was full of arrogance and short of biblical knowledge. In reading the forums on non-punitive parenting, I would say this movement looks and feels very much like the prosperity movement of the 80’s.
May 27th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Actually, their are God-created personality types, 16 of them in fact, and four of the 16 will be more instinctively prone to punish with spanking and the like. With a knowledge of personality type the different parenting-style preferences and tendencies can be better understood and parental behavior modified and optimized along many different spectrums.
Regards,
Ken
May 29th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Punitive parenting may work….but will only get temporary results as it has negative long term effects on children. 4 major long term effects is that it can negatively affect a child’s self-esteem, it could offset a negative relationship between the child and the punisher. The child may also begin to act out hostility to other children like bullying or picking on smaller or younger children and finally, the undesirable behavior may even occur more often instead of less often. GUIDANCE is the strategy that should be used because in the long run, guidance teaches children to resolve problems and conflicts in socially acceptable ways. Through guidance, positive and long term results can occur when parents develop a strong sense of trust and respect with children so that they feel safe and not condemned for making mistakes. When our children make mistakes, we should use those mistakes as teachable moments. We are all life long/time learners and we all make mistakes, even parents! We just have to teach children to learn from them! Punishing a child with consequences such as spankings or time outs does not teach a child how to solve that problem; instead it punishes them for having a problem which they don’t know how to solve. Guidance and logical consequences teaches a child, in the long run, that I have choices to make in life. There are good choices and not so good choices, each with logical consequences. We allow our children to make mistakes and learn from the consequences and in doing so we give our child a sense of control in his or her world by allowing that child to experience the consequences or making his or her choices. The reason we do this is because when our children are still living with us, we want them to make these mistakes while they are still under our roof where we can guide and help them understand those consequences so that they will make better choices when they are no longer in our house but on their own. Adults in our society, who make mistakes and has extreme behaviors, pay the consequences by getting arrested which sometimes leads to incarceration. Many of these people came from childhoods and pasts that were very painful, both physically and emotionally. Perhaps if their parents used guidance instead of punishments they would have learned the logical consequences to their actions which would have taught them to make good, intelligent and ethical choices as adults. I understand that the Bible describes discipline by “using the rod” but I also believe that just like technology is constantly changing because of new and updated research, so has the years of current research regarding child development. Evidence based research has shown that firm yet loving, non punitive parenting based on trust and respect that relies on logical consequences, empower children leading them in becoming adults who get along with one another and are able to resolve conflicts and problem solve in acceptable ways. I truly believe that parents do the best they can raising their children with what they know and so I just wanted share what I know in hopes it might educate and enlighten parents on the long term negative effects on punishments vs. effective guidance. Punishment often times shames and angers a child, it teaches hate and judgment where as effective guidance prepares a child with the life skills needed as an adult and keeps his or her self-esteem and self worth intact.
May 30th, 2008 at 8:12 am
Makana,
Once again, your argument completely depends on the false belief that parents are either loving and supportive OR punitive. Just is not so!
Klmeyer,
You falsely believe that this is a “spanking” argument. Once again, that simply is not so.
I think so many people are over simplifying this in an effort to rate “good” or “bad” instead of looking hard at what is or is not being said by the “non punitive” discipline movement. I continue to strongly believe it is impossible to both hold a child accountable and to do it without any “non punitive” action. Sooner or later you will have to come across in a negative way OR you will have to give in to one of your rules or limits or guidance points. In multiple discussions I have yet to find a single person who has not. Not one.
Mark