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Yelling In The Home
By mstrohm | September 8, 2011
On one of the Christian Parenting forums I keep an eye on, the following post caught my eye:
“It seems like my house is so full of yelling. Just to normally communicate something like “May I have Juice” my 2 to screams it at unnecessary decibels. Then there’s the fighting where they both just scream until I scream at them to stop. I’ve got to figure out some way to stop all this yelling.”
Here was my reply:
I read this thread with great interest. After having been in education and working with families for more than 25 years I have seen my share of yelling.
First, lets differentiate between speaking loudly and yelling.
Some children are loud. It may be due to many different reasons. I had a child who was 70% deaf through her first 2 years until an operation that fixed this issue. She also has Sensory Issues where she does not realize how hard she pushes things or how loudly she speaks. When she really gets into a story she gets very loud. We have a “signal” we give her where we simply open our hand and slowly close the 4 fingers to the thumb, almost like a puppet slowly closing its mouth, to indicate to her that she is loud. Without missing a beat she quiets her story. Mind you, she is in her mid 20′s now and this little method took training and practice!
Children will also get loud when they are very excited about something. While this can be annoying, it is generally not a consistent problem and typically can be “endured” as a passing phase of childhood.
Basically for a child who is loud you need to train. Set up clear expectations and reward for proper execution! But in general, unless your child is purposely rejecting your clear expectations and requests, don’t treat being loud as being defiant.
Now to yelling. Nearly always yelling is a lack of self control. This is VERY different from being loud! This will nearly always be from a lack of a fruit of the spirit. Nearly ALWAYS! (oops, did my all caps mean I was yelling? 
)
First, lets look at parents who yell, then our children.
Sometimes as parents we get lazy with our teaching, training and guiding our children and we look for an “easy, quick solution” so we try out yelling. Perhaps we were taught by example and had loads of yelling in our home growing up. The reason “yelling” as an instrument for teaching, training and guiding children is inappropriate is because it is totally ineffective and typically is triggered by an emotional impulse. Discipline should not be triggered by an emotional impulse, but rather clear Loving Limits. For some parents, it may appear as effective, but it really is not. What IS effective, is when we take action.
Let me explain because this is a VERY important point. Our kids are born with an amazing ability to not listen to WHAT we SAY, but instead to watch WHAT we DO! If we look at our child and say, “stop annoying your brother by poking him with that pencil,” your child may hesitate for a moment, but then will continue right on poking. What you said actually matters little. It is what you do next that matters. If you then say “I asked you to stop poking your brother but you chose not to obey, now you have the consequence of. . . ” your child immediately realizes that you will “ask once, then take action!”
Now, if you look at the above incident and instead of asking once and handing out a consequence, you instead yell the second time and take no action, then your child immediately realizes that you will “ask once, then yell.” But he or she will register in his or her brain that you still did not take action! So now they will NEVER obey your first request because you don’t take action. You have just given your child permission to disobey you every time you make a first request because they don’t listen to WHAT we SAY, but instead WHAT we DO. If you then take action after you yell, “THAT IS IT! NOW YOU GET A CONSEQUENCE OF. . . ” your child will respond, but not to the yelling, they will respond to the last thing you do before giving a consequence. If yelling is the last thing you do, then they will respond at the point of yelling. Not because yelling is effective, but because taking action is effective!
But do we want to be parents that lose our self control and give into the impulse of yelling? Is that the example we want to show our children? I hope not! Instead you should examine how your interaction takes place and take action at the right time! Do you want to be a one request mom, a two request mom, a one request, one yell mom, a screaming raving maniac, then respond mom? It really is YOUR choice! You decide by where you take action. Your child will completely read you no matter what you decide. Children totally understand this, parents do not.
OK, now to children who yell. All kids have to learn impulse control. We teach them not to steal, not to hit, not to be rude – even if we have impulses to do these things. Often yelling is an emotional impulse. This may be due to a child who is out matched intellectually, physically, or may find yelling a convenient way to control or vent. Either way, it is a choice to give into the impulse. Yes, the impulse is not a choice, but giving into it is a lack of the fruit of the spirit of self control.
You need to talk to your child and make sure they clearly understand what you expect. Let your child know if a sibling is ridiculing him or her and he or she doesn’t know how to respond he or she has more than just two choices: 1. to take the abuse or 2. scream. Instead your child has other choices. (Now this is where parenting gets creative – you better be ready with REAL alternatives for your child on how to handle these situations!) Talk through an alternative for your child. May they come and get you to intermediate when the sibling is ridiculing them? Is there a place they can go to calm down? Parents, how will you teach your child to handle this situation? Once you have given him or her alternatives, then you can require him or her not to obey the impulse.
So in short, teach your child how to handle situations so as not to give into the impulse to yell, then give clear expectations followed by consequences for not meeting those loving limits and expectations.
A side note here – many times as you get into why some kids disobey, you may find that your parenting needs to rise to a new level. You may be surprised to find out many acts of sin have been going unchecked! If this is the case, ask God for help and begin to address the issues. If your children are being rude to each other, begin to address that problem as well as the yelling, but NEVER excuse away sin in our children, even if another person’s sin created the impulse that led to your child’s sin.
OK, sometimes I ramble too much, but after more than 25 years of working with parents I see things from a slightly different perspective. Don’t let yelling go unchecked. Instead work on those fruits of the Spirit!
May God bless you in your very, very important job of parenting!
Topics: From Mark, Parenting | 2 Comments »
September 16th, 2011 at 11:05 am
I really enjoyed this. Our children do practice what they see. My kids see how my wife and I react to situations, and try to model that in similar situations. A couple of times we have been caught and use the phrase “Do as I say and not as I do.” That is a cop out. It never really helps. But by modeling correctly for our children has made a huge difference in who they are becoming. God bless you and I am really enjoying your post. I plan on following.
September 22nd, 2011 at 11:18 pm
I really like this article. My daughter is a yeller, I was a yeller, my dad is/was a yeller. I doubt that my grandparents were yellers but it has to start somewhere. Now when I hear my daughter yell, I cringe! I’ve tried talking to her about it. It is so sad that during the yelling, the yeller is so frustrated that they don’t even see how bad it has gotten! I just pray the grandchildren don’t turn into yellers. Funny how some turn out this way and some who don’t. My sister isn’t a yeller. Not sure if she ever was or not. I don’t believe my mom ever was. I was my dad’s little girl. Thank you for having this, I just found your site. I plan to visit often.